i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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