God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
