The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
