i just wanna soil my oats bro
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
