I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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