the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
