im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
