i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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