so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
