Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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