you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
