He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
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