Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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