I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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