dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Found your dick twin last night
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
