My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
