last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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