this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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