I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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