i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
