Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize