I wish my penis had an off switch
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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