It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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