the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Randomize
