My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
