Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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