ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Randomize
