Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize