Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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