I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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