Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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