There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
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