You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
