Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
