I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
