6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
