Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize