why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
