I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
