I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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