I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
