she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
we're making bets on your personal life
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
