"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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