You really coming over, don't trick.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
