I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
