you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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