We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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