i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
