Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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