A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
