i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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