Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize