Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
