Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize