Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
