I haven't been this sober since birth.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
