I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
