what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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