I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Randomize
