I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
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