My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
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