I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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