when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
