I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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