return my video game
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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