I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
