Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
