Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
